"Aku memang bukan tipikal perempuan yang merangkai kalimat lisan dengan baik. Aku sudah merasa sulit menangis dan berbicara dalam waktu bersamaan. Sepertinya jiwaku sudah tidak se-sensitif dulu, baru bicara sebentar lalu tertawa atau lalu menangis. Aku menulis, tidak berbicara secara langsung. Aku berpikir, dalam waktu lama, aku sebenarnya agak anti terhadap spontanitas."

The Golden Road - Chapter XII, page 146-148

Kami pergi menjelajah pada bulan Mei itu, mengikuti panggilan angin yang menari-nari menuju sebuah bukit landai di sebelah barat. Bukit ini terletak di bawah bentangan langit musim semi biru pucat, dikelilingi batang-batang pohon pinus dan cemara muda yang tegak mencungkup rongga-rongga dan sudut-sudut kecil tempat sinar matahari masuk dan tak pernah keluar lagi. Sinarnya matahari bersemayam di sana dan memberikan kehangatannya untuk menumbuhkan tanam-tanaman, padahal di tempat lain tunas-tunasnya masih terlelap.
    Di sanalah kami menemukan bunga-bunga mayflower kami, setelah lama mencari-cari. Bunga-bunga mayflower tidak pernah memamerkan diri. Mereka mesti dicari, barulah mereka akan menyerahkan harta berharga mereka kepada si pencari - gerumbulan bunga seputih bintang dan merah muda fajar yang menyimpan roh dan inti seluruh musim semi, dipancarkan lewat keharuman yang terlalus sederhana kalau disebut parfum, karena begitu lembut dan spiritual aromanya.
    Kami berkelana melintasi bukit, saling memanggil, tertawa, bercanda, terpisah satu sama lain dan menikmati tersesat di dalam hutan kecil tanpa jalan setapak itu, lalu kembali saling menemukan tanpa terduga di ceruk-ceruk, celah-celah, dan keheningan bermandikan cahaya matahari, tempat angin mendesir dan bertiup lembut dan berlalu perlahan. Saat matahari mulai tergantung rendah, menebarkan galur-galur cahaya besar seperti kipas sampai ke puncak, kami pun berkumpul di sebuah lembah kecil dan terpencil yang banyak ditumbuhi pakis-pakis hijau muda, di keteduhan bayang-bayang bukit berhutan. Di sana ada sebuah kolam dangkal-airnya hijau berkilauan, dan mungkin peri-peri akan senang menari-nari di pinggirannya, seperti di bukit Argive atau lembah Creta. Kami duduk dan membersihkan bunga-bunga yang kami petik dari tangkai-tangkainya dan daun-daunnya yang telah layu. Kelopak-kelopak bunganya kami jadikan buket-buket untuk mengisi keranjang-keranjang kami dengan keharumannya yang manis. Si Gadis Pendongeng menyisipkan sejumlah bunga berwarna merah jambu indah di ikal-ikal rambutnya yang cokelat, kemudian menceritakan sebuah legenda kuno tentang gadis Indian yang cantik, yang meninggal karena patah hati ketika butir-butir salju pertama mulai turun, karena dia percaya kekasihnya yang telah lama pergi sudah berpaling darinya. Tetapi kekasihnya kembali pada musim semi, setelah lama mendekan sebagai tawanan. Ketika mendengar si gadis telah meninggal, dicarinya makam gadis itu untuk diratapinya. Di sana, di bawah dedaunan mati sisa-sisa tahun lalu, dia menemukan kuncup-kuncup bunga yang manis, yang belum pernah terlihat, dan tahulah dia bahwa itu adalah pesan cinta serta kenang-kenangan dari kekasihnya yang berbola mata hitam.

"Kenapa kamu berpikir aku jadi begini karena
pergumulanku sendiri? 
Aku mengucapkan kata-kata itu juga karena kamu duluan
yang menyatakannya. Meski tidak secara langsung, tapi
membuatku sakit hati luar biasa.
Aku memang bukan orang baik-baik, seperti kamu
yang katanya selalu bisa memaafkan orang dan susah 
meluapkan emosi. Tapi aku yakin Tuhan tetap sayang
aku. Jangan kamu buat pernyataan seperti itu. Dan 
jangan meresponku dengan gaya seperti bukan kamu
penyebab aku begini."

"Selama ini aku menjadi terlalu sadar akan semua yang ada pada diriku. Aku takut, takut orang lain memandang diriku seperti caraku memandang orang lain."

I don't know why I can not be someone's best friend. I had some, but those didn't last for a long time. That means they're not my besties and I wasn't theirs. Okay? I am not a true person for everyone. Except if you are a frontal person, I can give an excuse for this kind of person. I just hurt my friend's heart again. A girl, a kind girl. Not like me. And she's blessed and I am not. I just can't accept how everything could be so easy on her life. Not because I don't have any idea about that. I can't accept it because I know why! Like I said I am not a good girl. Just like average girls you see in their 17 moments. I ain't good but I ain't that bad. But I am nothing like her. She's just blessed, she said. I have tried to be good enough, but I just can't. It seems like this is what I am now and it is hard to change it. It makes me cry every single time I think about I can't be like what my Jesus wants me to be. And that's what lead me to think that He doesn't love me anymore. I've been bad. And every single second I try to be conscious about that. I try to talk to Him about this. Promise that I won't do the same bad thing anymore. But, hell, I broke my promise. "You are not metamorphosing if you can always go back to what you used to be. Metamorphosing is getting better and never go back". And this is what I can not achieve in my life. And that makes me think that the mess I feel everyday is just the result of what I've been untill now. I've been thinking about that if I can be as good as her, I can reach the peak of an achievement eventhough I'm good at nothing. This is an ironic sentence, but it is true. I really want you to know, that this is the only thing I hate about you. Why you always get what you want? Why did you get those amazing scores eventhough you're not that smart? I know we're different, sister, you are blessed, and I am not. Thank you for mentioning that.

Passion

Yesterday's Radio Show was so impressive! White Shoes and The Couples Company was there with Fariz RM. I've been waiting so long to see WSATCC on TV. They are so unlikely the band who perform on TV show three times a day. But that what makes them worth waiting and worth watching! They played Vakansi, Matahari, Kisah Dari Selatan Jakarta, Senandung Maaf, dan Senja Menggila. They were too damn cool. Nothing too much on their stage act, but it just flattered me by looking at those people enjoying their own part in the band. I'm no hyperboling. They collaborated with Fariz RM for Selangkah Keseberang and it was such a collaboration. Eventhough Fariz and WSATCC's style of interpreting the song is kinda different, but they were cool enough. There was also another interesting thing in the show last night. A carrier consultant came as a guest. His way of explaining how your passion can avoid you from working for the rest of  your life is so much amazing. His expression, intonation, words, so fine. But there is one thing I've been wondering since yesterday. What''s my passion? There are some ways to answer this question:

1. When you're talking to your friends or partners, what do you usually talk the most?
2. When you're browsing on the internet, what do you usually look for the most?
3. What seems to be your hobby?
4. When you're happy doing it, then your passion is there
5. Nothing to be insisted in doing something that seems to be your passion

okay, i tried to answe them, and yes I found it, ART, specifically, MUSIC. This is, I think the best thing in my life I could ever get. When I sing, I don't feel I am insisting myself to do that. I can't even wait to sing when there's a possibility to do it.You don't need to get something in return when you're done doing your passion. You're doing it because you're happy to do it and you want to do it not because you need to do it. Now, that's passion for sure. And I started to think that I can't just easily do my passion. I need to have something before I can enjoy my life doing my passion. I need to have done my parent's passion of achieving university. AHAAA!